Letter to Singapore

by far away from home

Dear Singapore,

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’ve been keeping up with what’s happening in your life, but it’s just not the same as actually being there with you. I’ve missed you tremendously. Though I was the one who chose to leave, it is still unbearably heartbreaking to be so far away from you. Everything that I have known and loved is irrevocably tied up with you. You define who I am. No matter how long I stay in foreign climes, it remains true. And I love who I am!

And I think perhaps that is the crux of the problem.

For all the years that you’ve loved and nurtured me, you’ve never really known me, much less loved me for who I am. I was the best of the best, and so you dreamed big dreams for me. You wanted me to be a model citizen, mentoring me and training me, and expecting my obedience in return. You wanted me to spend all my days studying, mindlessly practising ten years series and scoring per fect A’s in every paper. You wanted me to claw my way up to the top as you knew I could, and be the biggest and shiniest gear in the machinery of your well-run little economy. Never once did you ask if that was what I wanted.

All that you ever wanted of me and cherished about me was my excellence and obedience. I don’t even know if you ever loved me for myself. And I love you, so I worked my hardest, and I succeeded very well indeed… But never could I lie to myself convincingly that that was who I really was, and so I broke and ran. I am sorry. I disappoint you, and you will write me off as a lost cause, you will never be proud of me.. and that really hurts.

All the same, I cannot be anything more or less than who I am.

But I hope perhaps that you will understand in time. It’s a very narrow view of the world you have, and you have this obsession for control, for always being right.. You have the need to believe that you know best. Mother knows best. I’m just waiting for you to realize that we have grown past that. For you to realize that just making sure that we are well-fed and prosperous isn’t enough, and isn’t even the most important thing. Far more important is to make sure that all of us have the oppportunity to be whatever we want to be, and to have control of our own lives. Life is full of possiblities, and I hate seeing you take all of them away for me and for the people I love. I’m seeing signs that you are changing though.. slowly.. but surely.. And I am hopeful.

All the same, I don’t know if I will ever want to go back for the long haul.. I love you immensely. But I am also love my new home here… You are the one who made me who I am. America is the one who showed me all I can be.

Here I learned that people have the power to do anything they choose to do, and that nothing is set in stone. It is not childish to have dreams that aren’t neccesarily pragmatic. It is not irresponsible to pursue such dreams, as long as you are responsible for the consequences. It is not stupid to dare to take chances, to sacrifice to accomplish these dreams.

Here I learned that it is just fine to be different. It is not ‘divisive’ to have an alternative lifestyle. It is not ‘dangerous’ to express opinions that are different from the majority. It is alright to be whoever you want to be, as long as it doesn’t affect somebody else’s right to do the same.

Here I have finally found a place where I can be entirely myself without apology. I have no reason to leave. Except because I miss you.

Yes, I miss you. And I love you. I want you to know this: If one day you should change sufficiently that I, and most importantly, my children, can find the same freedom in you, I would not hesitate to go back to you. To go home.

I await the day.